Hmmm...

We found out about a month and a half ago that dad might possibly have prostate cancer that has already metastasized to his bones. I've posted about it on THe LoNG aND WiNDiNG RoaD. When Dr. Duros (dad's doctor) first told me what he suspected he asked how I would want to proceed, and I told him we would let it run it's course and just do what we could to keep dad comfortable. Dr. Duris told me I had a tough decision...If it were me that had cancer, we would definitely want to treat it; And if it were someone very old and in poor health, we would probably choose not to treat it. But with dad it was a hard call, because he is actually in very good health...except for the dementia. He aslo said that prostate cancer progresses very slowly and who knows what the future holds, it could be that dad falls and breaks a hip or gets pneumonia or some other ailment and that is what ends up taking him.

For the first few days after that visit, I had a really hard time concentrating on anything. I would be working...or should I say trying to work...but just couldn't keep another thought in my head. All I could think about was whether I was making the right choice for dad. I am the one he depends on and what if I chose wrong?!

I was seeing this as a blessing that dad would not have to continue suffering through losing his mind. Except for the dementia, dad is very healthy and most of his siblings lived well into their 90's, so dad could potentially live another ten years. It just breaks my heart when he'll be in the middle of saying something and lose his train of thought and say, "I feel like a penny waiting for change." I saw this as a possible tender mercy.

Dad had a biopsy yesterday. The doctor showed me how enlarged dad's prostate is and how it is crowding in on his bladder. He took some pictures and measurements and then took six samples from different areas of the prostate. As he was finishing getting the samples, Dr. Crowley said that from what he was seeing he was pretty sure this was not cancer. To which dad replied, "Good, I'm not done, I need more time." We won't know for sure until we get the results in a week.

Hearing dad say he needs more time got me thinking. How can we know when we are making good choices. Am I just being selfish, because I don't want to watch dad suffer, but saying that it's so that dad doesn't have to suffer through this awful decease.