Hmmm...

We found out about a month and a half ago that dad might possibly have prostate cancer that has already metastasized to his bones. I've posted about it on THe LoNG aND WiNDiNG RoaD. When Dr. Duros (dad's doctor) first told me what he suspected he asked how I would want to proceed, and I told him we would let it run it's course and just do what we could to keep dad comfortable. Dr. Duris told me I had a tough decision...If it were me that had cancer, we would definitely want to treat it; And if it were someone very old and in poor health, we would probably choose not to treat it. But with dad it was a hard call, because he is actually in very good health...except for the dementia. He aslo said that prostate cancer progresses very slowly and who knows what the future holds, it could be that dad falls and breaks a hip or gets pneumonia or some other ailment and that is what ends up taking him.

For the first few days after that visit, I had a really hard time concentrating on anything. I would be working...or should I say trying to work...but just couldn't keep another thought in my head. All I could think about was whether I was making the right choice for dad. I am the one he depends on and what if I chose wrong?!

I was seeing this as a blessing that dad would not have to continue suffering through losing his mind. Except for the dementia, dad is very healthy and most of his siblings lived well into their 90's, so dad could potentially live another ten years. It just breaks my heart when he'll be in the middle of saying something and lose his train of thought and say, "I feel like a penny waiting for change." I saw this as a possible tender mercy.

Dad had a biopsy yesterday. The doctor showed me how enlarged dad's prostate is and how it is crowding in on his bladder. He took some pictures and measurements and then took six samples from different areas of the prostate. As he was finishing getting the samples, Dr. Crowley said that from what he was seeing he was pretty sure this was not cancer. To which dad replied, "Good, I'm not done, I need more time." We won't know for sure until we get the results in a week.

Hearing dad say he needs more time got me thinking. How can we know when we are making good choices. Am I just being selfish, because I don't want to watch dad suffer, but saying that it's so that dad doesn't have to suffer through this awful decease.

Don't Forget to Pray...

Growing up, dad never forgot to pray. At the beginning and ending of every day, before every meal, at before any trip we had a prayer.

At mealtime, after we bless the food and begin to eat, it is not uncommon to see dad saying an individual blessing on his food, because he's forgotten we already blessed the meal.

Often in the evening as I am helping dad get ready for bed and he is being really slow, I will go upstairs and put on my pajamas while dad is finishing getting his on. If I get side-tracked and am too slow, it is not uncommon for me to find dad kneeling beside his bed saying his evening prayers. One evening not too long ago, after finding dad saying his prayers, I posted to facebook "I love that even though my dad is losing his memory and sometimes forget my name, he never forgets to pray!"

We got our family pictures taken a while back and the photographer wanted to get a few of dad and I together. Dad wasn't really following directions very well though, and at one point she suggested I bend over and kiss dad on the forehead. It turned out to be one of my favorite pictures, so I made it my profile picture on facebook.

The other day I received a message from a friend that had just seen the picture. She wrote: Love your profile picture! It reminded me of two things: First, probably my all-time favorite FB post from anyone is when you said you love how your dad may forget your name but he never forgets to pray. And second, last Sunday, it was so sweet to see him just sitting there, and then sometimes during the hymns he would just automatically start singing. He is a great example to me of having the gospel ingrained into your very being!

Funny how even as his memory is deteriorating, dad still continues to be an example.